Land of forgiveness

Chapter 96 - Life changing move

2009-05-10T07:18:00.000-07:00

Interesting been months that i ever wrote something in here, its nostagic haha...hmm i changed my priority in life by making god my main priority. Somehow or another, everytime i think of how god had done to me, i would be so touched. He brought me back to him when i am in pain or lost. He gave me a community of righteous people. You know sometimes one thing i cannot stand about people is when they look at me with big eyes then very innocent face, i will feel very embarrassed or sort. Hmm...maybe i gotta try staring back at them and see wat happens...I want to get water baptised this year if possible...sometimes i have friends that seem to support me out of no where, sometimes i have testimonies that i never ever thought i will ever have...I seem to be an angel to many but yet i do not let them take advantage of me

Chapter 95 - Culture

2009-03-13T23:50:00.000-07:00

A famous magician once said this, " An artist's world can never be filled with the product of the end". One must not look at the end but the process, civilisation is like people building train station from one place to another, progressing and progressing but often people do not take notice of the scenaries and surroundings that many had called culture and art. I admit myself, i am a result-oriented person. I like the country like italy, a cultured country with people that dress to their best even eating at home, working in just few hours, enjoying life to the fullest. Sin is the gap between man and god. Removing sin and you will see god. This is the basic of christianity. Reason for god not answering your prayers is because you have sinned, you do not repent from your sins. Sometimes i do not know if i should blog, since i personally write a journal, i do not feel the need for this blog. Perhap certain philosophical stuff, i can write here. Love is a word from greek. In greek, love has three definitions. Eros is love that desires to get something back sexually or sensually from you.
Philos is love in pursuing something. Agape is love, a self-sacrifical love. Which one are you?

Chapter 94 - Missing something

2009-02-20T07:09:00.000-08:00

I feel something is missing in my life, i just cannot seem to find out. God what is this thing i am missing, i have this feeling of emptyness sometimes, lacking of something. God i thank you for the things you have done for this week, giving me a marksman to prove to platoon sergeant dovin i am not useless after all. I hate ppl say i am useless, i will show them what i am capable of. I am moving to a new platoon soon, somehow i will working with new ppl which is going to be an interesting experience. Am i a very english person God? Friends seem to think so i guess, maybe the way i speak or my skin colour or my accent. God i am losing myself recently, i am not being the usual quiet self i am. I am starting to obtain back my anger and rage from the course, this is bad i guess, but somehow it pushes me on. I get pissed more easily nowadays and i have the urge to scold someone much more easily. It is as though God is preparing my emotions for the pioneer course in March. I really feel like shouting all out, my emotions that are trapped inside of me.

Chapter 93 - Home

2009-02-06T08:16:00.000-08:00

I am back in my home from where i should be. It feels the same, the scent of the air smells the same, the same warmth that once touched my heart, the heart warming bond we have for months. However, i had changed ever since. I feel more holy, more devoted to god, more evagelistic.

Chapter 92 - My destiny

2009-01-31T22:15:00.000-08:00

Everything for this year has already been pathed down for me. I see the path clearly drawn for me. I know its my destiny to walk this path back, i have done a lot this year by helping a lot of ppl around me...although certain things are not god bounded but i know i have planted a seed in them to grow with god. lets see how this year gonna be, i know tough times have already past for me but tougher times are coming.

Chapter 91 - love story

2009-01-26T07:21:00.000-08:00

We were both young when I first saw you.
I close my eyes and the flashback starts:
I'm standing there on a balcony in summer air.

See the lights, see the party, the ball gowns.
See you make your way through the crowd
and say hello;

Little did I know
That you were Romeo; you were throwing pebbles,
And my daddy said, "Stay away from Juliet."
And I was crying on the staircase,
begging you, 'Please, don't go.'

And I said,
"Romeo, take me somewhere we can be alone.
I'll be waiting; all there's left to do is run.
You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess
It's a love story - baby just say 'Yes.'

So I sneak out to the garden to see you.
We keep quiet 'cause we're dead if they knew.
So close your eyes; escape this town for a little while.
'Cause you were Romeo, I was a scarlet letter,
And my daddy said "Stay away from Juliet,"
But you were everything to me; I was begging you, 'Please, don't go,'

And I said,
"Romeo, take me somewhere we can be alone.
I'll be waiting; all there's left to do is run.
You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess
It's a love story - baby just say 'Yes.'

Romeo save me; they're tryin' to tell me how to feel.
This love is difficult, but it's real.
Don't be afraid; we'll make it out of this mess.
It's a love story - baby just say 'Yes.'

Oh.

I got tired of waiting,
Wondering if you were ever comin' around.
My faith in you was fading
When I met you on the outskirts of town.

And I said,
"Romeo save me - I've been feeling so alone.
I keep waiting for you but you never come.
Is this in my head? I don't know what to think-"

He knelt to the ground and pulled out a ring and said,
"Marry me, Juliet. you'll never have to be alone.
I love you and that's all I really know.
I talked to your dad, go pick out a white dress;
It's a love story - baby just say 'Yes.'

Oh, oh.

We were both young when I first saw you...

Chapter 90 - Countdown to home

2009-01-16T07:46:00.000-08:00

Countdown back to 39 sce, yay! lemme count hmm, like 15 days more, i am going home! Back to my family! I have done a lot of favors for others during this time of staying out, finding a new me. Haha...i have gained friendship here but i know they are just passive ones...I know when i need help, they won't help me but still i help them ahaha...unlike back in unit...sleep liao

Chapter 89 - This song

2009-01-05T07:00:00.000-08:00

Whenever i feel a bit sad or a let down, i will listen to this song. This is because i know that god is always there for me, it will really make me feel better. I had a outing with jared and Mr Liu today, and i realise it has been so long so long, mr liu says i did not change much, hmm high five staying young lol, jared changed a lot he said, ya i agree too, more chubby haha, i dun why i have many many visions recently, one of them is israel, i do not vision Israel attacks others but USA attacking Israel...strange huh...although this was before Israel actually attacks the Hamas...hmmm visions...i even dream of this number 6630 lol....what is this number trying to say

Rain roamed the barren land,
life rises from the ground below,
Clouds soar sky up high,
Trees grew tower tall
Still chasing the pot of gold.

Chapter 88 - For the year 2009

2008-12-28T05:46:00.000-08:00

18 is the number that i will always remember in my life. 18 is the life-changing or turning point in my life. 18 i had my first employment. 18 i met a group of fun loving friends.. 18 i had my first love.18 i accepted christ. 18 i had my first reject. 18 i felt my first depression. 18 i had matured. 18 i almost break down. 18 i had my first betrayal. 18 i surrendered to god. 18 i found my church. 18 i had my first cell. 18 i had my first christmas.

This is indeed a busy year for me. Well 19 a number i will hope to remember to pledge my faith in god. My birthday is more of a family one since i want to spend it more peacefully, i ate sushi buffet with my mum and sis. I managed to convince my sis to spend my day to watch 2 movies in a row, one is twilight which is what i wanted to watch since i read that book. Kinda disappointing..next i watch bedtime stories which is a nice movie to catch that i recommend. I managed to purchase 2 top 1 tie for the new year that is about to come. That is how i end that day.

Next year, i gonna be more active in church, going to lessons in stuff..be a celebration host...serving god in his ways...

Chapter 87 - a lot things to say

2008-12-21T06:14:00.000-08:00

This has been my happiness year....i have no time to say but i wan write in after christmas

Chapter 86 - His there

2008-12-13T05:22:00.000-08:00

2 Chronicles 7:14 (New International Version)

14 if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land.

Today's sermon is so really talking about my life towards god...seems like god is trying to tell me this phase from the bible..i understand now...i really do...

Chapter 85 - Opps

2008-12-11T06:08:00.000-08:00

Lol i forget to lock the glass door for the office...opps...lol...Staff neo tell me lol....opps...if other ppl i die liao...sian i own him one...or esle i extra liao...hmm...sian means 19 dec must go to that raft sentosa thingy haiz....stupid stupid...then night got christmas party..dun know if can make it in time lol....mmm...sian tml maurice last day then he ord...means left me and jason with all the superiors in my department...extra sian...no one to talk to...i wan to go back 39 :(....at least got company....i at office so sian....i must go buy book liao.....argh...i completed my breaking dawn..now i go get twillight to read...oh ya pierre png reservist in my office lol...he just come sit there with his gang in the front desk then slack and talk cok lol....ah ya he looks bigger in real life and like small boy like that lor...lol...today went to nee soon to watch some defence watch thing...say abt what exercise wallaby stuff...ok lah...talk talk talk but just to inform us there is such thing...apparantly to inform the non-combatants in the office since they sit in office whole day not knowing what's saf doing...i realised my thoughts are very singlish yet i speak very english....lol...you know my dream is to become a lawyer but no chance since my written for english is kinda poor...thats the reason why during secondary school i attend almost every debating competitions except those nearer to my exams...quite informative to me haha....style of talking i know of....but i realise when i present i am very aggresive..thats what my fren said in my pw presentation like lawyer which makes me feel happy back then lol....i need to do something hmmm....although i am learning driving now..i feel kinda not enuff...i left with two things that i wan to learn...one is jazz piano and the other is french...since i learn how to ride a bike earlier this year...kinda happy...cause never been able to do it lol...strangely that day i can must be god helping me...got pain got gain what lol....next time hubert jio me go night cycling i can go liao hahaha....yay yay...i realise i will talk and talk and talk and i can't stop maybe because of cbrd course..i will ask a lot of questions...hmmm...nth to do so talk cok with myself here...although sleeping soon ....haha...go sleep liao

Chapter 84 - Bored bored bored

2008-12-09T06:49:00.000-08:00

Sian in office, nth to do .....argh....

Chapter 83 - Home

2008-12-06T08:25:00.000-08:00

Its been 9 months 7 days since i am christian...it is a painful path to know father...been through a lot...father put me so much challenges to know him...to make me more mature...to know the world better...not trapped in my shell....finally i found a home...not drifting from one church to another...some say i am a flowerpot christian but finally i have found my church....Trinity church...

Chapter 82 - baaa

2008-12-04T04:34:00.000-08:00

yawn yawn, damn sian in office, i went to hq to attend some insurance thing after that took wrong bus got lost....baaa...crap...went to woodlands went in circles then found the mrt so i took the mrt to amk hub on the way i met yik kwang...waa so qiao....so talk a bit...then took 24 home sian....tml no one gonna be at office again...gonna be lonely at the office....
三公分陽光三公分空氣
堵在眼前像一面玻璃
擋住了妳表情剩下只有腳印

一直向前走走不完距離
一直向後退不出回憶
很高興有心事幫我困住自己

妳頭髮上淡淡青草香氣
變成了風才能和我相遇
妳的目光蒸發成雲
再下成雨我才能夠靠近

感謝我不可以住進妳的眼睛
所以才能擁抱妳的背影
有再多的遺憾用來牢牢記住
不完美的所有美麗

感謝我不可以擁抱妳的背影
所以才能變成妳的背影
躲在安靜角落不用妳回頭看
不用珍惜

我懷裡所有溫暖的空氣
變成風也不敢和妳相遇
我的心事蒸發成雲
再下成雨卻捨不得淋溼妳

Chapter 81 - "Past" stop following me

2008-12-03T06:41:00.000-08:00

My fren from the past that i dread most wans to catch up with me...haiz...i know he is someone i also wan to catch up with but it just reminds me of the pain...I just well go loh...haiz...i have nth to do in the office..very sian..is it because i too efficient every time finish my work too fast or really have nth to do...my unit has a lot of pride...i feel i am moving away from them even though i am still 39...i need to hang out with them more....

Chapter 80 - Fed Up

2008-12-01T06:27:00.000-08:00

Damn i bought 2 new games and my coms cannot play, argh only my sis one can but then she wan to use....crapness....hmm....in office doing nth die i planned wrongly because i wanted to do the checking of 2007 and checking of 2006 tml but both of them dun have ord checklist...so haiz........sian that means tml nth to do...am i blessed of doing nth or i am feeling that i am rotting....i know there is a reason for me being here, i must have a purpose...hmmm....

Chapter 79 - sick

2008-11-25T01:43:00.000-08:00

Feeling very sick, yesterday i vomitted 2 times, it feels like food poisioning. But cannot be, cause my family and i had the same sort of food. Morning wake up, got slight fever...Then when i reach camp, it got worse, i cannot even stand properly...my stomach hurts like mad and i feel damn dry and burning. After having lunch, ate the medicine, i went to sleep, feels very weird. Then now feels feverish again. I hope i recover..

Chapter 78 - Busy weekend

2008-11-23T02:33:00.000-08:00

So i summarise what i did this weekend, friday went to eat with lay koon at cafe cartel, i ate some pasta not very nice but edible...kinda shock that lay koon appetite for food is so little...then go drink at some jazz pub. Hmm jazz pub is something new to me, cause i never go to one b4. I personally like jazz songs lol, i like michael buble ones...hehe...i wanted to learn jazz piano after my driving lesson ends, haha dun know worth it a not but will go try..
Then i overslept the next day, feel i ps ang hong, haiz must make up to him...although i went to get my booking for driving later than him...Then i went to mind's cafe with my jc friends, kinda fun, like the food there plus the drinks there is kinda good, very tempted to play bowling but i go with the majority....so i went to watch movie with the remaining ppl..ok lah movie not bad...
Today i went to church, ppl there quite nice, just that the service kinda different from what i had b4...hmmm...i try trinity next week...

Chapter 77 - Wanted to post this quite some time ago but forget

2008-11-20T07:11:00.000-08:00

I just recall my dad is already 50 plus and approaching 60, which means he is very old liao...my syndicates' mates dad is like 45 like that so young....i cannot believe my dad is so old already :(... I know he treat me very well although sometimes i feel irated with his attention..but i know he cares for me...I dun know ,i wish to devote my time to spend with my family more often...

Chapter 76 - Parting

2008-11-14T07:27:00.000-08:00

I cannot believe i am leaving 39 sce to be attached to hq sce ...8-5 but then i dun feel happy about it yet i feel sad about, i dun wan to leave my frens...haiz...i am combat fit, i can run, can do cft..why send me to admin spec, i dun wann!!!! sian...i feel really sian...although this is a job that so many ppl wan but it is not what i wan at all...i dun wan to leave 39!! it is like my family...

Chapter 75 - Army life seems fun after all lol

2008-11-08T06:20:00.000-08:00

Very close to my syndicate ppl, had a "xiong" week but actually doing nth is so xiong lol....play basketball, badminton in camp, went out play lan twice haha....but next week go back eti liao haiz...somehow we cannot stop seeing each other although we see each other in camp almost every other days, went out today to jr house to play tennis, table tennis and stuff, joel was damn funny at his lee jia wei and korean banshee form...should have record down haiz...anyway then i went play lan again which is getting a bit sian already, then went parkway parade with joel and anghong first time we saw isetan crazy sale, went in, whao, went look look then saw levis...ooo got discount, then each buy a jean lol then i manage to get a belt for spending above 200 quite happy because i actually wanted a belt then joel and ang hong lemme have it. Then went home, quite tired liao.

Your song

2008-11-01T05:44:00.001-07:00

My gift is my song... and this one's for you
And you can tell everybody that this is your song
It maybe quite simple, but now that it's done
I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind
That I put down in words...
How wonderful life is now you're in the world

I sat on the roof and I kicked off the moss
Well some of these verses, well they've, they've got me quitecross
But the sun's been kind while I wrote this song
It's for people like you that keep it turned on

So excuse me forgetting, but these things I do
You see I've forgotten if they're green or they're blue
Anyway, the thing is, what I really mean
You got the sweetest eyes I've ever seen

[Background Chorus]
And you can tell everbody that this is your song
It may be quite simple but now that it's done

[Christian]
And you can tell everybody that this your song
It may be quite simple but now that it's done
I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind
That I put down in words
How wonderful life is, now you're in the world
I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind
That I put down in words
How wonderful life is, now you're in the world

Chapter 74 - I believe in God

2008-10-31T08:18:00.000-07:00

I dun feel pain anymore, i feel cleased.. haha, she really can help me...make me feel god is always there for me, now i am clear. I see better. All seem so calm, so relaxed and peaceful now...I love god, i believe in miracles..Now i can really say, i forgive you

Chapter 73 - Pushing me on now

2008-10-29T05:02:00.000-07:00

Everytime i feel sad, i will always happen to have my little sis coming to my room and giggle here giggle there, really makes me kinda happy a while. Somehow i realise i pushing myself for my sis, i adore my sis a lot. Sometimes she is only person that can really make me happy nowadays, although i have a group of close friends which is my syndicate haha...today did my favourite thing which is bowling haha with angs, then ate japanese buffet and watched tropic thunder which kinda funny. I don know how much my money gonna burn if i keep going out like that lol.

Chapter 72 - Yesh i Did the impossible

2008-10-27T05:02:00.000-07:00

Yay! i organise a outing for 36 ppl with food and games, which is to me quite hard at first. Lucky i got help from jann and msg aloysius. With full support by my syndicate, i really feel very blessed. Although today went well, i am just covering my joy with my smiles here and there. I know i feel very sad still, now when i think of it, how many lies had been told to me, i cannot believe anything what she says and what he says anymore. I dun even know what i am believing in my religion is actually true...i feel so confused now, i feel so distraught, so ....(lost for words). Today, some random indian guy actually wants to take a photo with me, i feel so somewhat honored?...hmm...strange...anyway i pretty happy about how the food actually was more than enuff, i had to even bring food back.

Chapter 71 - Betrayed feeling

2008-10-25T15:20:00.000-07:00

Hahaha i do give myself a jab to laugh about, i told what i knew to clement and i realise i feel much better...i just need someone to talk to...he really does not know what i am capable of, especially of what i have learnt in my new vocation but i am not stupid in my rage to make a device to kill everyone...instead i wish to forget him, a friend i once tot was so very good to me...so pretenious...all he did...i cannot believe of all ppl it is him...what i worst feared have happen...my heart is truely broken to many shatters and pieces...so i am the sacrifical item now, i now do understand what is fight for my rights, lies you have given me, given me false hope to pin upon. I always tot i think too much but this time i am really correct...somehow i have been thru the worst night, i feel i am getting stronger every time this kind of sad stuff have happened to me, i truely changing. I may have the chance to fight back but now i have a clear aim in mind already, i know what to aim for, i see the target in my mind, the pieces are all set and i have to make my move.

Chapter 70 - Reasons i now do know

2008-10-25T07:53:00.000-07:00

YEsh finally exercise cunning fox is over! I am trained to handle pressure and stress, be the one to step out when everyone esle fall, facing your fears! I feel my course commander is giving me many many chances to let me learn and excel...i feel i am more outspoken now, more able to make decision, have better command and control, i know some part of me have actually changed after this course...Moreover, i have made many many good friends from this course, ppl that are going to be my partners in tasks, my superiors in actions....i do finally understand why i dun like her at first, from the point she mention how her father treat her and her response to it, i realise it is exactly the type of ppl i hate, i did not actually realise at first, i was blind. I know i loved my parents a lot, i cannot imagine myself asking for such unreasonable stuff, a gift is a blessing but forcing a gift is truely unpleasant. Past, present and maybe future, having a gf is not really impt to me in my life, i have changed my goal, not a family now, but to do what i like most and have a career i truely desire...

Chapter 69 - Sadness

2008-10-17T07:35:00.000-07:00

Been sad after thursday, i messed up my team commander...then my course commander started shouting at me and all...haiz...really feel very very sad...very very depressed...feel i let down my teammates, my peers, how when i pass by some of peers they don look me in the eyes, while some try to ask me to take it easy, at that point i really want to break and cry, i started thinking about my ex, my failures of the past, no one to talk to but then i told myself, all my positives point and i know i am the only one that can make myself stand again and i told myself that i can do it...somehow no matter how i try to think abt it at night, i cannot become sad itself, i know that task is my weakness itself, being a social person is not my strength, i found my strength in myself, calm myself down, and i manage to get another activation today which i did better than yesterday...i know i can do better, but i know that task he gives was too easy...i learn a lot, i feel more confident after all these tasks, i can talk to ppl now, challenges are not from the writings and plan, is how i talk to ppl and react at the same time.haiz...i really learn a lot.

Chapter 68 - Giddy

2008-10-12T01:27:00.000-07:00

Hmm...yesterday was a really busy day for me...i went to apply for driving test with ang hong but then we think abt it...if we go for opt coy then really very risky if opts on sat then we book liao then die waste money if go training then ok loh...so we decided to wait for 2 weeks for our posting to the coys...then we went chervon to buy stuff from the emart...then went shopping by accident cause i wanted to buy shoes then eric went spree on shirts so haiz ok loh we went around looking for shirts..lol...i bought one shirt too haha...then reach home liao tot can rest a while..then clement called me ask me to go to find him, so ah ya i bathe, then changed then chiong to s plaza to find him liao then we play a bit of lan then we decided to meet up with leonard . haah but roderick was late so we waited until we pek che then we find double o ourselves, then we find liao so many ppl then sian liao lol, then we went to find butter factory haha but closed down, in the end we went to arena...which is also sian...haiz...all very old, we look damn young inside..after we drink 2 drinks then the jug of long island tea.. i got giddy liao lol...i dun know what i was doing for a while...then ok liao then well rreach home..

Chapter 67 - Why am i like that...

2008-09-30T06:26:00.000-07:00

And yet, to say the truth, reason and love keep little company nowadays.

William Shakespeare
A Midsummer Night's Dream
Act III, Scene i

Days goes by rhythmically with highs and lows
Crashing into the low notes into my waves of emotions
Pounding upon the high notes by a flip of a coin
Pieces of notes fit into the crater of the void
Playing the music seems soft and subtle
Yet pain seems excruciating everytime it is played
Pain like bees stinging in my heart but it can't be bees
Hornets i reckon since bees die after a sting

Walking that long empty path with little oxygen to my mind by gas gas gas
Stalling my thoughts and emotions in the beta-phase
Running with restricted breath seems happy and intoxicating
I lost my heart and i cannot find it back.
I feel heartless and cold

Chapter 66 - 24 hr Force

2008-09-19T08:55:00.000-07:00

Hmm...nth much just got into a 24 hr unit which is like hmm sort of elite force that not many can get in..haha...in fact only 24 spec and 11 oct is here..kinda like a lot of things cannot say trapped inside have to write in my own journal..some says we will get tracked get tailed or even spyed, hmm scary huh imagine walking on orchard road and ppl tailing you from behind..scary right..haha...i dun know, this is my form of escapism from the reality, my form of feeling at ease and peace...loneliness and silence...no one to talk to but my coursemates...oh ya i realise i have a certain liking for tanned gals lol...i dun why i prefer the darker ones while most guys like fairer ones...lol

Chapter 65 - Myself

2008-09-06T20:37:00.001-07:00

Your view on yourself:

You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:

You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.

Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:

You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:

You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.

What are you most afraid of:

You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.

Who is your true self:

You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.

Chapter 64 - I love engineer

2008-08-29T08:35:00.000-07:00

Haha boom boom boom haha...

Chapter 63 - lyrics that pain me

2008-08-23T19:27:00.000-07:00

I dream a lot, I know you say
I've got to get away.
"The world is not yours for the taking"
Is all you ever say.
I know I'm not the best for you,
But promise that you'll stay.
Cause if I watch you go,
You'll see me wasting, you'll see me wasting away

Cause today, you walked out of my life
Cause today, your words felt like a knife
I'm not living this life.

Goodbyes are meant for lonely people standing in the rain
And no matter where I go it's always pouring all the same.
These streets are filled with memories
Both perfect and in pain
And all I wanna do is love you
But I'm the only one to blame.

Cause today, you walked out of my life
Cause today, your words felt like a knife
I'm not living this life.

But what do I know, if you're leaving
All you did was stop the bleeding.
But these scars will stay forever,
These scars will stay forever
And these words they have no meaning
If we cannot find the feeling
That we held on to together
Try your hardest to remember

Stay with me,
Or watch me bleed,
I need you just to breathe.

Cause today, you walked out of my life
(Stay with me, or watch me bleed)
Cause today, your words felt like a knife
(I need you just to breathe.)
I'm not living this life

Chapter 62 - I see no evil

2008-08-22T08:57:00.000-07:00

Well, posted to the basic engineer camp, i kinda saw something in the morning when i woke up in my bunk...a figure standing at the door with some kind of jacket, not moving at all, i stunned, i cover my blanket and went back to sleep, guessing it is you know what. Sometimes i kinda miss the life few months back, but then what gone is gone bah, that why i plan to go to cbre in the first place. I feel i am like escaping like that but haiz i dun know, i hope to meet more people in my uni so i escape to the most lifeless vocation ever, 24/7 i will be on stand by protecting the people sleeping sound at night. Sounds very great but at a price huh, i always think a lot i can't stop argh!!!

Chapter 61 - With Pride I Lead

2008-08-17T06:41:00.000-07:00

There ends my journey in sispec and i am about to start another new journey. I remember my mind is already point blank at ntu slope, i was like zombie creeping up step by step. Upon doing the parade, when my pc started to put the rank on each of us. My mind was thinking i would never see these people again, these wonderful people that made me who i am. When the song started playing, we were standing shivering with our fbo, he placed the rank on each of us, i almost wanted to cry, but i resisted it. I dun wan to leave this place, it is the most wondeful experience i had. My playful section, my caring section commander and my honorable platoon, last but not least, the pride we had of being from Charlie Company.

Chapter 60 - God

2008-08-16T07:27:00.000-07:00

God why i keep hearing sad stories of ppl breaking up? Although i pray for them to patch up yet it never ever happen. Why...it seems very disheartening...when a gal loses interest in another even though its only 2 weeks but their relationship is actually 2 years..how come a person can be like this...i hear i also become sad...ns really break ppl's heart...the feeling of being trapped and powerless to do anything...I really wan to break out and help my fren...statistics says 9/10 will break up which is true...my another fren says hes bunk in bmt, week by week, break up after break up happens...so it is that weak just for the feeling of thrill of being in the relationship then after that dun have that feeling and wish to find another person for that thrill again...this is quite bastard aren't it...find until you feel tired and end off in one person...haiz

Chapter 58 - Dream

2008-08-08T22:50:00.000-07:00

I have this dream yesterday, dreaming of me helping another person to bring that person home because the person feels very sick. I dun know why am i doing that in the scene, i know if it happens i am not going to help that person ever again, see that person ever again, because i dun like that person. Making my life so horrid, never think or decide before making the choice, but i know i can't stop helping...haiz...i have so much say inside here but i cannot really put it here cause it is the internet haiz...anyway i got my corporal rank liao...haha....muahhaha...if i see that guy again...he is so dead so so dead...hmmm...really cannot say haiz...get charged then die...sian....

Chapter 57 - If you leave me tonight

2008-07-26T19:13:00.000-07:00

I feel i am getting out of my empty shell already, haha, i dun know, i am always alone at some point of my life. I used to this kind of life in the past however now seem a bit intolerable. I need company , i need to talk to someone somehow, which is haha. Like my fren says her frens are living in a perfect life and you dun feel like disturbing their perfect lives and you rot yourself. That sort of feeling is intolerable but i learn. I learn to look forward in my life. I look at 3 positive things for every 1 negative thing i think of. Going to sispec made me stronger, a leader to lead. I learnt a lot in sispec, somehow this process changed me. A price to pay as compared to my 8 to 5 frens who never gonna learn much in the ns but to slack. For me i have gained character, personality and life skills from this course. That is the reason i chose to go to command school in the first place. Because I WANT TO CHANGE....

Haha my old class picture, yay i found it haha, i look so small and fragile sia i cannot believe it

Chapter 56 - Lost Hope

2008-07-26T03:40:00.000-07:00

Life seems kinda unpredictable huh...i was lucky in the sense that, although my fren confined her secrets to me, lots of emotional spillovers. I did not fall into the pithole that she sets, dangerous person she is, i knew from the start. Now another guy being her emotional substitute when she has a bf, which she thinks he likes her and she likes him. But i actually know what is gonna to happen next, if she break up with her bf, she will lose everything. This is because the guy is just a fling, a sort of revenge that she unconsciously did not realise. However, if she is able to control herself, she may still survive. I would like to thank god, that guy is not me,haha, phew, army did help me, haha. Now she is having an affair loh, what to say, all the respect i used to have for her, all go down the drain liao loh lol. At the same time, i seriously drop hope for love now, i told my armymate saying that i gave up hope, yet he tells me another thing which i also know, i know it is a matter of time, but it is not gonna be so easy this time.

Chapter 55 - Dephi Zeta

2008-07-25T20:04:00.000-07:00

Wow i cannot believe it, my og organises some party or some outing or some sort cool...they even made a picture out of it, nice nice effort i'll say.Hmm my dad keep saying he won toto and keep giving money which at first i tot its real until i found it strange. Where got so lucky one, i think he thinks that i won't ask money from him then he give me so that i will accept or i will not take hmmm....haiz

Chapter 54 - Happy

2008-07-20T00:35:00.000-07:00

Am i happy, i dun know...lol...But i like this picture.

Anyway i dun know what kind of life i am living in, comfort yes...i know i am changing, learning to do a lot of things myself now. What my csm says is true, at this age must ur parents do everything for you. Ya i should be independent already. So i did not really bring back much clothes back to wash and i wash most of it in camp now. My sis helped me buy a belt which i wanted so haha, kinda happy. Sian i can see my fren is suffering still but this is where i stop, this is the point where she must solve all the rest of problems by herself. Haiz...

Another Turning point, a fork stuck in the road.
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go.
So make the best of this test and don't ask why.
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time.
It's something unpredictable, but in the end is right.
I Hope you had the time of your life.

Chapter 53 - I think i am sick

2008-07-19T06:53:00.000-07:00

After the guard duty, i have been having headaches and hot breath...sian feel muscles aches and like fever like that. But i am not a weak person, i continued to train and never say anything, a bit stupid right. I dun know lah, sick loh. Recently i found out the second puzzle of relationship from my fren, it made me feel i dun wan to fall in love again. Haiz...I dun know...now it will be very very very difficult to accept or even go after another, unless someone can change my mind. I hope...lol Now i understand what it meant by feeling tired of it already, and i dun believe in love anymore, it is just commitment

Chapter 52 - I can't do it

2008-07-12T04:55:00.000-07:00

I dun know why i try and try yet i cannot control my emotions. I am like trying to control it yet i am letting it fly now when i hear my fren's problems when i put into her shoes. When i experienced it, my feelings came back. What a problem it can be, i...i think i need to go forget about the past, i am going to zouk today. Hope i can forget the problems of the past...

hmm...saw things i dun wan to see but somehow it helps me to forget the problems...haiz...dun know why though, i observe how ppl behave and all. I dun know why my fren asks me why am i still caring about her, but i tell her because she is my dear old fren. Guess what i believe and what she believe is a bit different bah. Anyway, glad that she is going to move on after yesterday. I cannot believe her bf is so bad one, haiz, what can i say...

Chapter 51 - Fun Time in SISPEC!

2008-07-11T09:01:00.000-07:00

Haha damn fun...my section is damn crazy haha...the 9 unique different people in my section. One my classmate- qiwei- one my bmt sectionmate -jeffrey- one my schoolmate - jann- then rest well also fun ppl haha...we march like shit and we tio defaulters parade..GG! lol die die die...haha....Morgan has this liking for this cookhouse auntie, says she will look damn chio if 20 years back then we started to stare at him during our dinner, then we stunned.lol. he insists she is chio and insists us to put great for the food survey next time, lol, we all wan to laugh to death sia.. if i would to describe the way we behave is the same as harry potter lol, break the rules, getting pump together hahahahaha...so much tat csm marked us down hahaha! We are the most notorious section in Charlie company lol

Chapter 50 - Sian

2008-07-06T02:12:00.000-07:00

Everytime i book out, i feel so sian. Nothing to do. Haiz...Maybe watch a bit of movie or what but still it is expensive right. Sian sian sian i wan to do something meaningful...argh!!! This is like being incarcerated.....

Chapter 49 - Emotions

2008-07-05T08:15:00.000-07:00

Sometimes i dun know why, am i acting a tough front in the faces of ppl. I do not know why but when i have mixed feelings of emotions, i will go crazy and sprout a lot of rubbish. haiz...this is something i have to learn, although i can control my anger well, certain other emotions is still beyond my reach. Confining into other ppl may help a bit, but still it really depend on yourself for this matter. This is something i must learn to help myself in the future, there is this book i have been reading recently is 7 highly effective habits for teens. This is really a good book i would like to recommend, something that teach a lot of life skills, something that ppl say books will not teach. Recently my bunk mate was asking me if having a gf now in ns is good, i told him it is a very stupid idea. If you cannot commit and develop trust between each other, there is no purpose. However, he taught me something, why would u wan to have a gf that is not so chio when u can have chio one, since both will react the same way. So now i learn, i guess i have to set my standard higher now. I have a story, once a saint says he wants to change the world, no matter how hard he tries, he cannot do it, so he decides to try something simpler, he wants to change his country, however these difficulties proved to be too much for him, so he decides to starts from his surroundings, he wants to change his loved ones' attitudes towards him, no matter how hard, he still fail. Then he thinks and thinks, why not i change myself? So he started to change himself, the way he look at people and things, slowly one by one, his loved ones's attitude changes, the country changes, and the world changes.
The moral behind this is sometimes to influence others, you must change your attitude towards the way u do things first in order to gain the trust and respect from other people. Cliche it sounds, but every little thing u do will affect every later stages of your life. When i started the last relationship, i tot i could change her, however i can't and i failed miserablely. And i realised, why must others change for you when you can change for others. Judgement takes place from your heart before the lines get to other people's minds.

Chapter 48 - Charlie COy

2008-06-28T23:46:00.000-07:00

KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN KNN

Chapter 47 - The Cold Within

2008-06-21T09:10:00.000-07:00

Six humans trapped by happenstance, in bleak and bitter cold,
Each one possessed a stick of wood, or so the story's told.

Their dying fire in need of logs, the first man held his back,
For of the faces' round the fire, he noticed one was black.

The next man looking 'cross the way saw one not of his church,
And couldn't bring himself to give the fire his stick of birch.

The third one sat in tattered clothes, he gave his coat a hitch,
Why should his log be put to use to warm the idle rich?

The rich man just sat back and thought of the wealth he had in store,
And how to keep what he had earned from the lazy, shiftless poor.

The black man's face bespoke revenge as the fire passed from sight,
For all he saw in his stick of wood was a chance to spite the white.

The last man of this forlorn group did naught except the gain,
Giving only to those who gave was how he played the game.

Their logs held tight in death's still hand was proof of human sin,
They didn't die from cold without - they died from the cold within.

Chapter 46 - Feeling appreciated

2008-06-20T20:03:00.000-07:00

Forget to blog this yesterday before i cast it away, i told lay koon that i going to sispec and i will not be able to talk to her liao, then she says she is gonna miss me. At that point, i feel that i am getting appreciated and i have done the right thing by helping her. Anyway, maybe most of the time i am always helping people doing favours but sometimes people don really appreciate my help, maybe i should help myself more often and not to help those that are just casual friends to me, more of closer friends then i help bah, should i do that? Gonna slack today and prepare myself for monday... Au revoir

Chapter 45 - Possessed

2008-06-20T04:20:00.000-07:00

Haha....I am the centre back today haha aka cb...Slided a lot of ppl today...eh on form today as a centre back, defended a lot of shots. Seem like i am going to perfect my sliding block shots soon...it seems instinctive to me when i slide, it just happens....curses i realise i cannot play wing...i get outpaced easily...i only can read the play and act at the same time...actually the technique is just by looking at the person eyes and read the direction of play...by playing mind tricks with the deliverer simply running towards the one is dangerous and confuse him to pass to a less lethal side and react at the same time running to that guy to intercept the ball. HUNGRY! crap, playing soccer makes me hungrier...crap...crap...

Chapter 44 - A flash of thought

2008-06-19T04:29:00.000-07:00

Although i am slacking today but i feel sian when i slack, dun really like it. I feel i must do something. Anyway, as i went out to buy some stuffs, it comes to me that what will happen to my sister if she gets married and stay with her husband. I am thinking if she will be happy living with her new home and all. Since she is rather pampered here, i really wonder...her husband seriously have to be rich lol...or esle...she will suffer, which haiz i dun wish to see...

Chapter 43 - Enjoyment

2008-06-18T08:50:00.000-07:00

Had a quite fun day today with my army pals, actually 3 of them ahah...well went with w.b and clement to mt faber safra first to get the free gift, got the kenneth cole watch, kinda disappointment for clement, he expects a nicer one lol...then we went to bowl and all...clement is a spinner, hes spin is nice with nice backup...well mine not so lol...still a lot to improve on my technique and all...and today i find out that i am a sliding type of bowler for momentum...without the slide i can't play well, rather different from power bowlers...then clement went home and we go to vivo to meet samuel and watch the movie get smart which is quite nice to be frank...kinda funny, haha then went home and hahaha....i wonder if photographic memory is a good gift or a painful one, ability to remember events just by the click of the eyes seem useful but images are rather generic as they flashes past ur mind kinda fast...i can capture the vague surface but no to the depth of details yet, something which i need more time and observant skills. Today, when i reach home, i decided to make the decision on eee since i dun like mechanical eng since it was my desperate chance to get into uni so i put that for my nus but eee is something i wan so hmmm...well quite ok

Chapter 42 - Maturity

2008-06-17T04:59:00.000-07:00

haha...i can't talk much abt this anyway...hmm kinda talk to lay koon for whole day since she is bored in office, wanted to watch movie but since pretty much last minute planning my army frens decided to watch tml. I told her that my ex is a very smart person but she kinda disagree. She told me she may be book smart but not life smart. When i kinda think of it, kinda true. I understand what my sgt had said abt the difference between being street smart and book smart, by being book smart you are always taking the harder way out, by street smart short cuts are so much there for you. I also learnt that maturity comes to your life when you experienced extreme sorrow and pain, it is then you start to aim and plan. I was foolish when i cannot let go 1 month back, kinda think back, i was kinda silly and foolish. Blinded by love, I wondered now why did i like her, was it her sincerity or her personality or something i cannot decifer. Maybe was her sincerity that caught my attention. Haahaa...Hope she doesn't read this, she will kill me, and when she realised it, she will say the usual lines hahaha...so expected...something i cannot understand...is she really that cold...Oh ya...Kelvin showed me the photo of Sgt Trevor and Evelyn in the friendster, kinda shocking and scary, so concidence. Clubbers....hahahaa...

Chapter 41 - Adrenline Rush

2008-06-16T01:22:00.000-07:00

U know i have been getting all more and more occurrences of adrenline rush, somehow i hit my limits somewhere, first encounter was during badminton with wee kiat, i burst into aggression style in my play, i smack continously without stopping . Then came ippt, i ran and i enjoyed it halfway, i feel extremely high, no lost of breath, i burst into hyper mode. Then was the 24 km march, ppl marching with me know, i went mad during the last 8 km. I had never experienced this for a very very long time, i have been hitting my limits over and over again recently, emotionally and physically. Emotions for the extreme pain i had never suffered for a very very long time since i remembered i told zhuang man i have never been sad for a long time during uob. Physical for the extreme drilling to my body from the vigorous training i had. My mental strength truely endure all of this and i live on.

ok, she is feeling better liao, i guess my job ends here haha...i dun wan to go any deeper, i will sink in.

Chapter 40 - Old friend

2008-06-15T19:40:00.000-07:00

I wish u recover fast my dear old friend, i will still be there supporting u...

Chapter 39 - Story

2008-06-15T08:28:00.000-07:00

You' ve been hurt by unspeakable pain and sadness
Let's carry each other indelible stains
Don't give up on living!
Will I end up losing them someday?
I want to protect you and your fading smile, so...
Even the resounding voice calling me should wither...
Even if the mingling winds should tell me...
I will find you!
You' ve been hurt by unspeakable pain and sadness,but
Don't say things like "I can't laugh" or "I hate people."
There's meaning in everything that happens in the unseen future,
So stay as you are for now, i know there'll come a time when you realise it.

Lyrics of a song i don know...lol
certain parts of the lyrics kinda grasp how u feel huh...

Chapter 38 - Munch

2008-06-14T23:16:00.000-07:00

Damn shiok yesterday with the class outing, managed to go to hot pot and eat at marina square. Although it is super expensive, it is totally worth it. Eat kinda a lot of stuffs, all the nice food, feels very satisfied. The ice cream fondue also rocks big time, haha, had like a lot till the person wants to chase us out, muhahaha. Somehow an event took place and i totally cast the past away, seem like a twist of luck but it helps me strangely, maybe because my attention seems to be diverted onto another person now, i guess so.

Haiz feel sinned, never go church today haiz...i think haiz...o ya...Lay Koon dun give up living...live on live on...you can do it...Ok crap crap night liao...feeling a bit hungry and all..hmm..although my mum says i am skinner but i gain 3 kg more after bmt...strange huh...tml gonna make a new spectacles for my army because my old one kinda sux big time...blablabla watching bleach seems not bad actually..sian nth to do...since my frens mostly poly based kinda hard to find someone to hang out with...jc one mostly unit...maybe haiz i also dun know do what...sian sian....

Chapter 37 - Kinda Happy

2008-06-13T23:38:00.000-07:00

Got accepted into eee for ntu, yay! happy...lay koon really scared me yesterday...kinda shocked actually, at least she feels better today...hope she can get over it, organise her feelings and all...god bless her...

Chapter 36 - Morbid

2008-06-12T23:26:00.000-07:00

I dun feel any thing from the deaths of the two recent national servicemen...maybe because i dun know them...i wonder what will happen if i die...nvm...i went to chalet and i saw many gals but somehow all of them dun catch my eyes at all...maybe i am still not ok...i feel maybe they dun treat me the same way...haiz...i went to have lunch with the uob ppl today..kinda random...but today is hong jing last day so go go for a while also can...

Night now, kinda doing nth for whole day until now...kinda shocked suddenly...lay koon suddenly tell me she is not happy at all, she wishes to be happy, i was stunned. I realised she was having the same problem as me few weeks back, but i know exactly how she feels...comforting her now...haiz i also dun wan to have that feeling again. Ok..now it is getting more and more wrong, she asked me to go on a holiday with her...maybe once i was kinda close with her for some time but i wishes it stays like this...ok now getting weirder and weirder hmmm.....what should i do...

Chapter 35 - Never felt better

2008-06-11T19:19:00.000-07:00

Yay Going to chalet today feel so happy....i realised i hav only cared abt 2 person in my life and that is my sis and ex...I regretted not taking care of my parents enuff...I must make up for them...i realised they are so good to me...Like yesterday pop, they let me eat the snacks and drinks for the parents and they wan me to sit first before they actually sit down, they are willing to pay my uni fees no matter how expensive it is...feel so happy i have such great parents...

Chapter 34 - A New Beginning

2008-06-11T05:22:00.000-07:00

Finally, it is here i have passed out....Woohoo! feel so shiok....I gonna start a new life....I now realised what i wished my ex will do...i always envy those nsf have gf waiting for them when they come back to mainland...something i know she will never do...haiz...i will feel very happy if she does that...nah she is too practical in stuff, never will she do that....now i only hope i can go command sch...wish wish haha....i pass everything but dunno can get in a not...i feel so happy and i am gonna change to siren church this sunday to start a new life..yay! haha nth esle

Chapter 33 - Accepting

2008-06-07T21:54:00.000-07:00

Finally i did it...i guessed so...i managed to forget her! I dun feel anything...woohoo!

Chapter 32 - Forgiving but not Forgetting

2008-06-06T20:20:00.000-07:00

Something i cannot do is to forget, i close my eyes and pictures just flashes through my mind at will. I live my life now to love my parents and sister, people says i always do the unneccessary things but are they really unneccessary. So i always do the little little things, haiz dun know why, ngee poo always scold me for doing little stupid things.
Today, i went out with 2 of my army frens to shop haha...although at first was going for movie but then clement want to buy white belt so we comb the whole vivo for the white belt but we cannot find anything..clement feels damn sian...haha..then we walk and talk a lot of cok...then i got called by hubert to scouts then he drive me there...it really touches me when i go back to scouts...it really feels like i am back to my old self...my childish life i used to have...singing kiddish song...being forever young as my core...feels really different...i miss myself badly...

Chapter 31 - Forgetting

2008-06-06T05:46:00.000-07:00

Not easy as i thought it seems..hmmm...can i ever get back to my old self again...just finished my 24km... got extremely high in the last 8km..I dun feel any pain on my shoulders, abrasion on my thighs, blisters on my feets...I feel as though i am immortal...I want to break this stupid chain off me...argh...maybe i should change my attention to someone esle...ya i should...i must...i...haiz...every time i type here...it feels like i am talking to myself when i have no one esle to talk to...now i dun really care who is reading this...just that i used to be very conscious of my image...some people says i am mad if i would to talk to myself but i do sometimes...it is my way of letting my feelings out...i feel by forgetting it is like running away from problems, not really my style of doing things because whenever i have a problem, it will stuck to me in my mind for very long, that is the reason why some people say i am so blur, because i always have a problem always thinking of something, i feel very uneasy and unsettled if the problem is not solved. I always rethink and rethink and rethink, reflect over and over again until i understand why and certain stuff which i could not have understood before...Now i understand one thing is i like to protect people that are weak and suffered from injustice, i like helping underdogs, i have this feeling that they deserved better treatment and stand up for them like what i did for hubert against eddie that actually cause my friendship with eddie to sour. I never speak up unless i see the unfairness in the acts of certain people and fight till my cause. Quite honorable huh...but i think it is in my nature for doing this things, i feel good helping this kind of people. I am never fierce in many people eyes but when i am pissed i will not smile at you i will stare at you with very cold and silent look. I never scold people for what they did wrong, it is just not me. You know there is something i always want to do if i have a gf if i have a chance, that is to dance with her on top of esplanade at night...haha...something that only one person knows, i like to dance ...haha...lets' dance to the last waltz

Chapter 30 - hmm

2008-05-31T23:30:00.000-07:00

I decided to try once more to go to her church and see if i can take it. If i can take it, i shall continue, if i can't i shall change.

Chapter 29 - Understanding

2008-05-31T21:26:00.000-07:00

Hmm..I guessed i have not recover yet. I decided not to go church today because i don wan to make myself feel worse. I realised i am not myself when i go church with her, i keep telling myself that i am changing but i realised i did not, i guess i am kinda pretension when i was with her, haiz, i don know why, i guess i did not accept yet bah. Well first i had a talk with Wee Kiat, my best friend, he can't gimme any help to understand but at least he gives me company which makes me feel better. Then i seek help from Merjahn, he asks me not to contact her anymore and forget about her. I guessed so, at least by doing that it makes me feel better. Next i manage to talk to Lay Koon, she is the one that helped me the most, i guess she is still the one that is always there when i need help. I always appreciate her help. She told me a lot of stuff which i realised kinda true, it is the mishandlement of the both of us that cause this relationship to fail. I realised that i thought my ex is kinda independent so well i didn't care much about her which prove me wrong. Lay Koon told me no matter how strong a girl is, she needs support and security in someway, i learn about it now though. She also ask me to go to her church, well i think i will once i recover, i will. I decided to change church, i decided to forget about her to lessen my pain. Maybe forgetting is the best way now, then i accept the fact, then i will recover. My army buddies are also very good to me, they will stand by my side to help me with this too. I appreciate it a lot. I guessed god is very nice to me to give me so many help when i am feeling lost.

Chapter 28 - Living an undying life

2008-05-30T21:54:00.000-07:00

"It is not the person you cannot let go but it is the memories you cannot let go"
Platoon Commander Glenn

This is how i exactly feel for the past few weeks. My life is getting worse and worse but i live on. I perserve on and i will never give up living. I will fight till the very last bit of my breath like the commandos. I may start off weak in the bmtc but i am getting stronger physically and mentally. My new motto in life is to never give up. I started making decision myself, stop depending on people, adapting to changes. I believe in what i believe, nothing can stop me.

Light is the one that blows the end, showers the land with stars and sparkles
Demi the light, decieve the end, conjure a life, prepare a portion
Grabbing the hope, authoring the line, sweep the sky
Junction the path, concoct a myth
Follow it.

Chapter 27- Oh dear i am sensing something

2008-05-18T23:16:00.000-07:00

Oh no...don even think about it ....please....Snores snores nothing to do sian....My choice of songs suddenly changed from emo songs to slow rock songs strange strange strange...hmmm...oh dear i am changing....nooooooo....lol!!!

Wonder if this is true

2008-05-18T22:09:00.001-07:00

"""17 signs you like someone
this is how u know u like/love some1.

SEVENTEEN:
You look at their profile constantly.

SIXTEEN:

When you're on the phone with them late at night and they hang up, you still miss them even when it was just two minutes ago.

FIFTEEN:

You read their Texts and Ims Over and over again.

FOURTEEN:

You walk really slow when you're with them.

THIRTEEN:

You feel shy whenever they're around.

ELEVEN:

When you think about them, your heart beats faster but slower at the same time.

TEN:

You smile when you hear their voice.

NINE:

When you look at them, you can't see the other people around you, you just see him/her.

EIGHT:

You start listening to slow songs while thinking about them.

SEVEN:

They're all you think about.

SIX:

You get high just from their scent.

FIVE:

You realize you're always smiling when you're looking at them.

FOUR:

You would do anything for them, just to see them.

THREE:

While reading this, there was one person on your mind this whole time.

TWO:

You were so busy thinking about that person, you didnt notice number twelve was missing

ONE:

You just scrolled up to check & are now silently laughing at yourself.

I guessed maybe i lose all these feelings already, i feel so empty now

Chapter 26 - A passing day

2008-05-18T18:22:00.000-07:00

Hmmm actually i dun know why am i still thinking abt her since i let go liao...I dream of her yesterday so, i think i am thinking abt her. I think it is wrong..I think i should stop talking to her and msging her to make my passing day feel better..kinda think of the past..If she was not my gf in the office that time, i would have went for another girl.. Becos i think that girl is my type which i guess so...My ex is not someone i will ever go after so hmmm...Kinda strange huh...Kinda think of it again..I am gonna spend a lonely birthday, lonely valentines again..every year for my birthday is a lonely one..I guess nobody bothers abt me, and i am kinda used to it in the past but now being alone again takes some time to get used to it...since i am a very cold person...after focusing my attention on one person and now changing back..it is kinda hard for me...hmm maybe i need time to heal...Will i ever believe in love again...maybe i...haiz...I dun believe in love last time...after i realise someone really care abt me and pay so much attention to me...it kinda feels different huh...i must be cold again...argh i think cannot liao...my character is going change again crap...If i am not wrong i am becoming a troublemaker and a joker...My prediction...Hope it does not happen haha....U know i always have this feeling of ppl taking me for granted...haiz nvm i will change

Chapter 25 - Exhausted from pain

2008-05-18T00:58:00.000-07:00

Haha i am single again ...somehow i feel that it is not that bad.. I have learnt a lot from this..haha..It takes a lot of hee hee and a lot of ness to get together but our characters are way off from one another...I feel i have matured from this..I have understand a lot..It is not as if being sad will change anything like what she always say.. I must toughen myself emotionally and mentally which allows me to do things more rational.. I learn how to ride bicycle from her.. learn how to fight for my rights.. anyway i am a christian now anyways... so haha..god has his way of arranging things for me and i believe in god.. I have faith in him.. Maybe she is just the person that will bring me into the path of god.. I believe i will find someone better than her... It was all wrong in the first place.. She was like my best friend not a lover lol.. It is just that i enjoyed talking to her and she too so both of us get the wrong message and end up together which is a miracle but pain after pain i absorbed onto myself..I cannot take it anymore and well thats how we ended up seperated..I doubt anyone will ever read my blog anymore since it is kinda of ghost now...Now my aim is to go to sispec and become a 3rd sgt since ocs requires more fitness which i cannot gain in such a short time...I believe i will become a leader..one who will order the rest...It is hard to let the feelings go at first but after some time it settles down..Well now she is still my best friend just not a lover thats all..Changed the song too haha

Astrology

2008-03-27T06:32:00.000-07:00

Positive Traits

Symbol and Dates

Negative Traits

RESOLVE
GENEROSITY
WISDOM
AMBITION
SUPERIORITY
DEPENDABILITY

The Sea Goat

Dec. 21 to Jan. 19

STIFFNESS
LONELINESS
CLUMSINESS
EPICUREANISM
PRETENSION
SELF-DOUBT

The animal symbol applied to Capricorn is the goat. Unlike the dependent, creative and countrified Goat in the Chinese horoscope, the Capricornian mountain goat is a striver and a loner, an ambitious, deliberate achiever and an adorable person to know. It's true that Capricorns can be bossy and self-confident in the extreme. But probe a stiff-upper-lipped Capricorn and you'll find there lives under all that tension and apparent angularity a sentimental and warm-hearted darling.

The way to handle Capricorns is to show them from the beginning that you are as strong and self-willed as they are. And should you not feel sufficiently strong and self-willed, you'd better pick on someone your own size. Capricorns prefer competition. The Capricorn subject is always either on top of the heap or moving-slowly but certainly-toward the summit of his field. Like tall evergreens, they withstand the snows and heat, the wind and rain. Capricorns are winter people. They can hold their heads higher longer than all the others and somehow never appear to be pushing.

In general the Capricorn subject is as rigid in his body as in his high-minded principles. He may be good at games that demand corporal discipline, but in areas that call for supple smooth body movement, Capricorns are challenged. Capricorn children fall a lot. Capricorn adults are clumsy. You want to warn them, "Be careful. Watch where you're going. Take smaller steps. Slow down. Relax." It is of course impossible for Capricorn to relax. He is always on the qui vive, responsive to each new invitation to achieve.

The Capricorn loves to entertain and adores food. He receives guests with a spirit of generosity in both the welcome he offers and the fare he prepares. Often, Capricorns make fantastic chefs and know how to cook the most complicated foods. Partly, this devotion to fine cuisine comes from the Capricorn's desire to please. But mostly the attention to food native to every Capricorn soul arises from pure joy in eating. Capricorn babies rarely have feeding problems. They chow down with gusto just about anything put within their reach.

Success often comes to Capricorn because he was paying attention while everyone else was goofing off. But if, God forbid, he misses the boat -was not even goofing off and still fails-then the ordinarily well-arranged marbles inside the pretty Capricorn head begin to shift dangerously, and melancholy sets in. Capricorns hate failure.

Capricorns are very conscious of the impression they make on others. They are allergic to vulgarity and bad manners. Society judges. Others of us may say, "What do I care for society? I am a free agent." Not your social-conscious Capricorn. If only for the sake of the gallery's approbation, Capricorn will conform.

You can always count on Capricorns to come through in times of trouble or need. They are charitable to others and eager to assist those in difficulty or illness. Sometimes they are hard to reach emotionally and seem rather "pent-up" and stiff inside. But if you can break the hermetic barrier, you will be pleasantly surprised. Physical contact can be a bit on the bony side at first but the Capricorn's enthusiasm soon takes the edge off.

Advertisment

2008-03-11T07:32:00.000-07:00

除了想你除了爱你
hu ~我什么什么都愿意
翻开日记整理心情
hu ~我真的真的想放弃
你始终没有爱过
你在敷衍我
一次一次忽略我的感受
我真的感到力不从心
无力继续
这感情不值得我犹豫
不值得我考虑
不值得我爱过你
这种回忆不值得我提起
不值得想起
不值得哭泣
这段感情早就应该放弃
早就不该让我浪费时间找奇迹
这样的你不值得我恨你
不值得我为你而坏了心情
我决定不为你而毁了心
放弃爱你
除了想你除了爱你
hu ~我什么什么都愿意
翻开日记打开心情
hu ~我真的真的想放弃
你始终没有爱过
你在敷衍我
一次一次忽略我的感受
我真的感到力不从心
无力继续
这感情不值得我犹豫
不值得我考虑
不值得我爱过你
这种回忆不值得我提起
不值得想起
不值得哭泣
这段感情早就应该放弃
早就不该让我浪费时间找奇迹
这样的你不值得我恨你
不值得我为你而坏了心情
我决定不为你而毁了心
不为你而放弃爱情
不为你而毁了心
我决定不为你而毁了心
放弃爱你
by Dreamz FM

Chapter 24 - Sad

2008-03-10T05:57:00.001-07:00

Finally, the feeling came back again

Reaching the stars - Chapterless

2008-03-05T04:52:00.000-08:00

Thy say thy say once in a fairytale it exists,
Thee hear thee said i once believe,
I see not the clouds but the stars,
As the death-bed whereon it must expire,
Consumed with that which it was nourish'd by.
This thou perceivest, which makes thy love more strong,
To love that well which thou must leave ere long.

Chapter 23 - Personalities

2008-02-22T04:04:00.000-08:00

Hmm...Yup yup yupp...I realise i click with my work ppl than my sch ppl..no wonder i don really like my sch..i should have gone to M jc...More this type of ppl...ppl that can think and are mature....
this is winnie....I caught this photo quite candid heheh........

Hmmm lets see what esle i have.....Ahhh Titu

ok I promise to upload for staff here to remind me the ppl face i meet coz i have a very bad memory for people names especially lol!!!

Here is a very nice photo from the 45th floor of UOB centre...quite nice sunset

Chapter 22 - Chinese New Year

2008-02-08T06:12:00.000-08:00

Shiok ar ! Green Tea Everywhere, it is as though i am in heaven...Today did the same routine for the past few years..But i realised a lot of my cousins are married, some with children, all look so blissful...I wonder when is my turn...Today my cousin ask my father to open pub with him or a fish shop lol...funny...I think he got discuss with my dad to open a pub..hmm...nvm...dad always force me to learn driving but i manage to dodge it ... !!Yay! Don have to do it...I wish i don have to drive , it is so troublesome. Don get the joy lol... My fren tell me how he drift in Australia in stuff..ask me to visit him or study there...i feel sian go there sure die....lol hmmm....oh ya..this is me and my sis !!!
and my boss! in Fortune GOd CostUmE!

Chapter 21 - Whats money for?

2008-01-25T23:15:00.000-08:00

Although i worked these few weeks but the money i got i don spend lol and well i have nth that i want at all. My friends ask me to save but save for what stuff? Interest rates so bloody low what you going to get how much...50 dollar for 5k in your bank annually? So i have decided, i am going to sponser my sister's trip to osaka for her band, i see her quite sad when my mum don wan to let her go because it is expensive about 1500 i guess..at least now i have a purpose for the money..hmm.. On friday, the staff in my workplace will go opening wine and start drinking. lol....hmm...3 more months and off i go... hehe

Chapter 20 - A mind yet to be for-told

2008-01-19T21:42:00.000-08:00

I don know why...just that every time i bathe, the shower water blast at me, i always use the hottest water...seem to enjoy it..hmm...as soon the water came running down onto me, my eyes turned red and tears came down with it gradually..I don know why..probably its the pain that i have been keeping to myself and i just let it go in the showers...Secondary school i played this game with my friend..this game is called knuckle punching...well it is to keep on punching till the other guy give up...lol...hmm...well the others play another kind is to knock the other guy down on the floor first wins...more scary than mine...well all this blogging allows me to read back on my past that i forget so i just cast my memories into here before i actually forget them..Recently i just met my friend..He told me he smokes and i guessed he took it up from his poly friend..worse of all he told me he had tried drugs like he-ro-in...he told me well taste nth much like normal stuff..hmm i know he is suffering too but i know there is no way i can help him..he enter that realm because of a girl...sigh....Something which i am inexperienced...I ...
I took this quiz in facebook about smiles which seem to describe mine a lot...
You have an Emo Smile
Although you may pretend to be happy and smiling, there is a deep sadness in your heart. You are very aware of your own emotions and are very sensitive to how people think about you and what they say about you. You may over-react sometimes, but it is just your instinct to protect your tender spirit.

Chapter 18 - I wish i do not know

2008-01-12T06:23:00.000-08:00

Recently i been working in uob bank as admin and oh ya i was looking through the inter jc pageant and i saw my primary school good friend lol and well contacted him and said hi lol. I missed bowling a lot.....I wished you did not have told me..sigh...ok i let out another secret to make you feel scared hehe...you tot i will talk about bowling right...lol...no no no...I still remember how i get her number lol...i told her i don know to go to downtown east and ask her to bring me there lol so when i reach bus interchange can meet up and go together...In the end, nah i went myself first since i met my class friends there...That was my first crush lol...Since then ya...I remeber that time i feel i am not good enough for her so i practically ignore her for some time...In the end, i feel very painful but i know its for good. Then she invited us as a class to her chalet and i saw her boyfriend and i feel rather casted away...You get what i mean..
Then i saw her on the bus, Kelvin should know who she is...i went to say hi and well just a gesture..hmm i have to this feeling of i cannot show that i am happy so i laugh and i cannot show that i am sad so i cry...All these are quite interesting so erm get away from that troublesome thing that is happening now hor... Life will be better once you moved on. To add on, something is seriously wrong with my hands, my hands can experience extreme cold till i feel pain like frostbite on a hot weather as though i can freeze things.

Chapter 16 - Adventure

2007-12-29T21:46:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was a tiring day. I woke up 9 by my mother to make an atm card which they are so reluctant to make me one until now. I got a pair of new shoes and a new wallet on last tuesday for the job. When i reached home, my friend asked if i want to play soccer so well what the heck i went. So well not suppose to do a sliding tackle but i did not on purpose but to block a shot and i did..quite cool use tackle to block but then my left feet blister..shucks a price to pay... Then we went to nrscc to well play bowling since my fren wanted it then we gei kai don wan to take shuttle bus back, want to try to walk back. This is something you will never want to try. So we try walking and walk and walk past the expressway and ended up at east coast. Then walk to marine parade, damn pain whole feet numb like no feeling...walk almost 18 km..crazy ar us..i think its my fault..my fren wanted to take cab when reaching the expressway..i say sure got road in front one..then walk for then long then saw a cyclist..waaa then we damn happy then see the beach..even more happy reach east coast liao.. I think my desire for adventure and curiousity seems crazy but in the end it is a fun experience...oh ya then i scare my fren and tell him if there is a snake here how? Then he says short grass won't have and then we walk to long grass then we have this reluctant to walk on but then heck lah chiong all the way..luckily no snakes..lol..I think..ahaha now i get to say...DON TRY THIS!

Title: Love Come To Me (Singer: Ashily)

2007-12-24T07:17:00.000-08:00

The blue sky is blinding
My heart hurts for some reason
Dew drops form in eyes without me knowing
In my imagination
It feels like you’re getting closer to me
I’ve been waiting for you, I don’t know since when
I still don’t know love, I don’t know who you are
When will love come to me?
Waiting for U love
Can’t you get a little
Close to me
My love, Babe my sweet heart
All those other people
How can they think of love?
Am I the only one who doesn’t know how?
Very warm and comfortable
And sometimes sweet
With such love you were always with me

I still don’t know love, I don’t know who you are
When will love come to me?
Waiting for U love
Can’t you get a little
Close to me
My love, Babe my sweet heart
Any way that I think about it
When I see you being so happy
And say I love you a thousand times a day
I wondered when and how
Love would come to me
It was already here, Ever since I knew you
There was a place for you
In my heart
I was born to be with you
If you come to me, our time together
From this point on
Will be a dream. My love
Oh, my love, come to me

Nice song..

Chapter 15- Power

2007-12-22T05:30:00.000-08:00

Today, i went back to venture to attend an important meeting in school. Sad to say, only 5 attended pathetic...sigh..talking about some manpower problem and recruitment drive. When my leader arrived, i realise he is just informed there is a meeting and we were told that there is an important meeting. Then i realise it is another power struggle which makes me feel irated. Ahhh..why everytime i go back it is always some stupid power struggle which makes me super irritated!! I do not want to deal with those stupid taking sides again. I think i need to do something to end this stupid shit, cannot stand sia, backstabbers everywhere. If worse come to worse, i will go for the chairman post next year.

Adverstisement

2007-12-18T22:59:00.000-08:00

01. 我不是F4
曲：周杰倫｜詞：李宗恩｜編：林邁可

我不是F4　啊哈　愛你Forever　啊哈
我不是F4　啊哈　只想跟你瘋　啊哈

＃我不是一個天生萬人迷　講話也沒有迷人的口音
　我只希望當你心中的平民　能夠守護你好幾個世紀
　算命說我戀情要等緣份　但我相信愛都需要經營
　就算沒有專機可以接送你　但我會努力的飛進你心裏
　Wo Oh Wo Oh~ 別害羞　讓我　讓我　帶你去作夢

＊我不是F4　我不管紅不紅　想跟你牽手　走完整個地球
　小幸福　大感動　都值得讓我們去探索
　我不是F4　你不要想太多　就要大聲說　要你愛真的我
　不做作　不囉唆　我給你少根筋的溫柔

Repeat ＃,＊

我不是F4　不想再寂寞我帶你離開地球
我不是F4　聽我的請求　我帶你上UFO

Chapter 14- Friends

2007-12-18T07:53:00.000-08:00

I watched this show and it talks about friends.
A person can be determined by his or her social circle and this signifies your character and behaviour in your up bringing. To see if he or she is a good person can be seen by the friends that they make and hang out with, this is because friends are the ones that influences your actions.

There are three kinds of good friends and three kinds of bad friends.

First kind of good friend are friends that are upright. This kind of friend will help to make decision when you are indecisive. He or she will help to put you to a right path. This type of friend pulls you from errors and from digging into further death pits.

Second kind of good friend are friends that are forgiving. Every one will make mistakes and human errors always happen. He or she forgives you and you will not indulge in your mistakes to continue making it. However, this forgiveness will be able to allow you to realise your mistakes and errors to correct them.

Third kind of good friend are friends that are informative and knowledgeable. Being near a knowledgeable friend is equilivalent to a walking dictionary. Whatever knowledges and experiences that friend possesses will eventually be influencing you and you will obtain it.

First kind of bad friend are friends that are bad-tempered. This type of friend is like a fire-cracker. Most oftenly, this type of friend will give you unneccessary troubles by giving rages and anger to his or her surroundings.

Second kind of bad friend are friends that are indecisive. This type of friend is actually wasting your life-energy. By giving you decisions which are most oftenly making you lose your opportunities. Opportunities have expiry dates and it oftenly not what you do is right or wrong but making that choice at the right time. Korean have this myth of a creature that has hair in front but bald at the back. When you notice this creature you see the opportunity however when you walk past it, the opportunity disappear.

Third kind of bad friend are friends that flaut about you. This type of friend is actually giving false information and ideals about your abilities which will create mismal around yourself. He or she will not help you to improve but cause you to remain stagnant in the same place for some time.

Chapter 13

2007-12-14T04:07:00.001-08:00

I found this chain mail quite nice and true so i decided to take it out and share

10 signs u luv some oneTEN:
You feel shy whenever they're around.

NINE:
You smile when you hear their voice.

EIGHT:
When you look at them, you can't see
the other people around you, you just
see him/her.

SIX:
They're all you think about.

FIVE:
You realize you're always smiling when
you're looking at them.

FOUR:
You would do anything for them, just
to see them.

THREE:
While reading this, there was one
person on your mind this whole time.

TWO:
You were so busy thinking about that
person, you didnt notice number seven
was missing

ONE:
You just scrolled up to check & are
now silently laughing at yourself.

I walked to the mirror this morning to brush my teeth and i realise i have serious eye circles under my eyes. So i took a picture and post it here. Hmm...i wonder why i have eye circles ..i sleep a lot in a day like 10 11 hours or so.. i guess it is from the studying of a level

Chapter 12- Book

2007-12-12T00:34:00.000-08:00

Hmm...i realise it is not very purposeful if i do not write the posts in more storyline kind..anyway the previous is just a story that i want to share which is quite nice. Hmmm...yesterday i rejected the offer by mrfrog to be admin on zion because i think it is a waste of time. On monday, i went out with the bowling people to kbox again...actually i want to bowl badly lol..maybe some day this week..later going have a farewell dinner to those that are enlisting this saturday. Hmm..i think i have to find jobs myself, it seems like the company is pretty slow. I just waiting for my birthday so i can take up the vodka job..hmm i wonder if i can hack care the company. Maybe i should have taken up wushu in my secondary school, since it is like so famous and all but then i will not meet such good friends in my secondary school cca and bad ones too which just make me want to find one day take knife go find him and stab stab and stab. When i last bowl, i feel i have lost my confidence to pick up the spares already. I must regain my confidence soon.

Chapter 11----It still lie somewhere within

2007-12-09T07:50:00.000-08:00

" I know that both of us are from two different worlds, i know he will one day leave me", she
said.

Both of them had been together for five years. She is always so understanding towards him, cared for every of his needs. However, he is always surrounded by a pack of girls laughing together, never care about her feelings.

That day, the sky filled with dark clouds and rain seemed neverending. Out of the sudden,
she ran out and danced in the rain.

"I do not know why she love to dance in the rain", he queered.

He waves at her and asked, " Hey, I want to dance in the rain too"

"No ! I do not let you come out, you will get sick", She shouted at him with anger.

"Then why you can and i can't!", he shouted back at her with his finger pointing at her .

She just stood there in the rain silently with only the sound of each splash of the raindrops falling
onto her.

Recently, she found out that he is always sticking with another girl as though they were inseperable. Soon after, she found out that the girl likes him, knowing that the girl will attack
him with a series of confessions. Although he did not care about that girl's actions, she still
felt insecure. Once a confident girl with her relationship with him seemed to be slowly fading
away but she still trust him.

Just passing a few days, what worries her the most had happened. He seemed to be
softened by the actions of that girl and decided to break up with her. However, she seemed to be
well-prepared for this and hopes that it is just her imagination.

" You....You have finally called", she talks to herself in fear. She held up her phone by her ear

and hear a cold and low voice on the other end, " let's break up."

All of the sudden, she did not know what to do and was unable to accept the fact that it
happened. At this moment, he heard sounds of cries on the other end of the phone.

"Hello, are you there", he asked in guilt.

As he was rushing to the Hospital, her mother beside her cannot take it anymore. At this
moment, the time has as though frozed for him.

" You bastard! You know how much much she loved you, how could you do this to her! The days
with you, she has always been crying, do you know!" her mother yelled at him.

" She cried? All along with me, she was always like putting a smile on her face and always
dancing in the rain." He explained his position.

" Like? Happy? You have never care for her at all, not even one bit! She was actually crying, just
not to let you know, she was hiding in the rain crying all along. She was always caring for your
every needs but all you give her was tears and pain!" Her mother ranted at him.

That Day, it was raining heavily again, raindrops as big as a bean hit onto him. He recalled
the sight when she was crying in the rain. Even though it was raining, it was as though the sky
was crying for her loss.

Raindrops are now no longer raindrops but her tears of saddness. The raindrops are not
stabbing the body of his but the heart lying in him with pain and sorrow every bit. From that
moment onwards, that heart will always feel the pain and sorrow that she suffered, crying from
inside and will never stop for a long time.

Chapter 10

2007-12-04T08:07:00.000-08:00

Prom night is ya entertaining night for me, quite enjoyed it but i don know why..i seem to have headaches on these kind of times. For the first time, i don feel cold and i feel warm. I don know why but i fear cold lol...i think its a phobia. I experience extreme cold till my whole body shivers and shivers, that is the most frightening experience for me. My mouth went clattering non-stop and i cannot control it, my whole body clutches together, horrible experience that lead to my phobia to cold, i guess.
After so many years, it still hurts when i think about it...painful experience...
Your smile is something i cannot forget, ignorance seem day-casting to me..Till the day i see my fear before me, i feel so awkard inside. So i give up hope then on, sapping on music to live on. I wish to erase this memory but i cannot do it. It is so hard to forget it and i only can live on holding secrets within me.Maybe a little tinge of dust, it might just work. I only can cast it aside to recall the things i should have done then.
Hmm...I have the strangest thing that i can do. Ideas just come to my mind suddenly, no link at all just all of the sudden as though i need to create these products. Maybe it is a talent or maybe it is a gap i have between people.Oh well...I think i have to get matured..My 18th birthday is coming soon and i need to settle my mind, goodbye 17th of me...
Oh ya my sister did some artwork in her room recently

Chapter 9

2007-12-01T07:06:00.000-08:00

I feel so blessed...I have 2 best friends in the world..Today, one of them accompany me to buy my prom stuff..actually just a blazer because thats all i need..hmm...but in the end i went to get a coat..hmm..crap..some crazy english foreigner is shouting almost my house..Soon after i went to my another friend house and well wait for him to wake up while i played his computer a while...soon after he brings me to tanjong katong girls' school there the chicken rice to eat. He says its quite famous so go try try loh..actually seem so so..hmm..then went back..wanted to go expo but his mum do not want..then his mum brings us to eat Haagen-Dazs...ordered some triple chocolate fudge ice cream...it is damn sweet but it is like some estascy... makes me feel damn happy after that..after that went to his house and watch transformers..lol..not bad leh i feel the movie..then i just went home...

2007-11-30T07:42:00.000-08:00

I WANNA BE WITH YOU (Xu Jie Er)
Mei li qi Zong shi lan yang yang di
Lai zhe ni Huai li wan pi xi xi
Shi gai zuo xie shi qing Xin li you tian mi de
Bu xiang yao bu xiang yao zheng kai yan jing

Wo he ni Pin lv ru ci jie jin
Mei ya li Zi zai zuo wo zi ji
Di yi ci gan shou Zhe yang ai de jue xin
Zhi xiang yao Zhi xiang yao He ni yi qi

I WANNA BE WITH YOU Ai ni hao xing fu
Xiang yao he ni jian zao yi ge ai de xiao wu
I WANNA BE WITH YOU Ai ni hao man zu
Xiang shou zui tian mei de shu fu You ni de he hu wo bu zai gu du

I Wanna Be With You (Jill Xu)
I have no strength, I'm always lazy
I blame you, and your naughty heart
I should be doing something, but there's something sweet in my heart
I don't want, I don't want, to open my eyes

You and I have such close frequencies
There's no pressure, I'm free to be myself
It's the first time I felt so determined to love
I only want, I only want, to be with you

I wanna be with you, loving you is so lucky
I want to build a loving home with you
I wanna be with you, loving you is so satisfying
Enjoying the sweetest restraint, with your protection I won't be lonely again

Chapter 8

2007-11-27T02:46:00.000-08:00

On sunday afternoon, there is this extreme makeover home edition shows and i have been watching it for a long time. This episode is so special because it is family reunion and they get to reunite with all the families that they have changed their lives. It is so extremely touching show even better than the stupid extreme makeover. If i have choice, i wished to have a job that i can actually help people like these families to change their lives. It will actually make my life very meaningful. My motto in life is to help everyone that needs help. Unfortunately, i have this strange habit, i will not know if you need help unless you ask lol.
I think if i go take midnight jobs liao..sigh..although not very good but pay not bad. Yawn..Feel damn hungry now..crap..ahhhhh....sian...I think i go eat liao.

Chapter 7

2007-11-25T06:36:00.000-08:00

"Take my life, banish my soul to the oblivion"

Quite sad to hear that my friend got rejected but he is strong and willing to continue to fight on. I admire his spirit, simply matured. Sigh..I am still the child trapped in the teenager body. My thoughts are the surface seem childish and casual yet only when it gets serious, i put on my stern face and think maturely. That is why i think i am not ready yet.
Last year, my another friend asks me to accompany to get his wallet from this girl, sigh..seem like something going on between them. Shockingly, the girl went to his house and sleep, his parents told me lol..however the girl never accept him i guess strangely. Then another guy went after her and well my friend decided to compete with him in pool,thats the time i see him damn emo and angry. When i went to his house, he starts singing peng xiao hai very furiously. That was the first time i ever see him so mad at something. It tells me he lost but i have nothing to tell him. I feel i have no experiences in telling him what to do. That girl is actually my primary school classmates which makes me rather awkward since both are actually my friends. sigh...
Sigh...My father forced me to learn driving...He is going to accompany me and make sure i get signed up for the driving stuff right after i turned 18. My friend damn funny says after he gets his licence, he is going to drive me to school but in the first place he wanted to learn it for another purpose.

Chapter 6

2007-11-22T01:09:00.000-08:00

After exams, i am feeling rather bored. After physics, i went for the class outing which is kbox. I just went there to let out all the stress i felt over the past 2 years. Anyway, every day i heard my mum talk with others about how their children are so unfilial. I hear until i feel is there such kind of person, i tot only drama shows have only. I heard one is the Daughter of this auntie ask her mum why you help sister to pay her uni fees while you use cpf to pay for mine. I was like wtf.... then she says it is your right to pay for me so i don have to pay...Then i was so omg lol...Got such ppl one lol..cannot believe it..Will i one day become a monster like that? I wish i will not..Sian..I don want to grow up..I want to be always staying at this age...growing up and facing those problems. My worst year is still secondary 3 but my most emotional year is jc 2(saddest year). Ironically, it is also my happiest year. Ah I remeber , i wanted to learn how to cycle...hmmm who can teach me...lol..

Chapter 5

2007-11-15T07:40:00.000-08:00

Don have studying mood anymore, yesterday manage to locate one of my long lost friend. Never talk to her for more than 8 years i think, still the same, i guessed people never change from their past. Anyway, I was spending the day by doing the specimen mcq and looking at my sister playing final fantasy 8. Then, at night talk to my friend, he said he was sad because he has relation problems getting worse each day. Nothing much i can help but to tell him to listen to music or do some sports to get over it since it cannot be helped. Did some catching up with my orientation group of friends and manage to settle a date for an outing. It was up to the king to do all the messaging once again. I want to get a new spectacles because my current spectacles is breaking and i fear it break before exam finish so i try not to aggravate it. I feel the way i speak is very childish huh..yea i know i enjoy this casual way of speaking since it is comfortable. Finally i need resolve certain matters after exams and clear all the adminstrative matters that has been troubling for the second semister since nothing has been done as though it is dead. If no one is going to do it, i will do it then.

Chapter 4

2007-11-14T07:11:00.000-08:00

I feel empty after today's paper like as though games are not satisfying anymore. I don feel like playing anymore, i wish this exam never end..sigh. I wan to learn something...maybe first thing i wan to learn is to cycle lol...yea i can't cycle lol..of all things cycling...my father do not let me learn...i do not know why...i swam a lot last time but thats not how i get my colour actually i wondered yea not swimming..more of burning in the afternoon sun...painful days...maybe i should go and discover new things i never do before..maybe i must go try going to the west and see see look look...
hmmm..recently i have been trying to use my left hand and training it to get more stronger so i can use both hands to write which is a difficult process because you think differently. Cannot really explain, you must try then you will know. oh yea today econs essay is the first time i ever plan for more than 15 mins. Seem long but it so different when you plan then write its like the thoughts just come through. Do you ever believe that i can actually know what you are thinking? Brain waves i can feel around me..i understand i see and i comprehend what you do. I have a choice to say but maybe all i say just now was rubbish.

Chapter 3

2007-11-12T05:16:00.000-08:00

"Enshadowed"

Clouds enshroud the sky bestows,
Great warmth ,
A friend or foe appears beside you,
A shadow that keeps you awake,
You can share your unhappiness and anger with it,
It will always be there when you need
A shadow that you taken to be granted,
You may or may not like
but it will stick with you forever
Life will never be the same ever again,
with holes to mend and knit
to fill the pain and need
Greater life to exist for no other,
For one that live for another,
Hold your breath for this but together,
To relive the dreams with me forever.

A poem I made myself.

Chapter 3

2007-11-10T02:37:00.000-08:00

Yeah got new a blogskin and well hmm...Today purposely wake up early to watch that superman cartoon lol....seem so nice but then got that kang xi show about luo zhi xiang and jolin which is damn funny so i switch channels for the thirty minutes.Then i decided to start on chem and when i look like nth much to study liao leh because chem paper 2 is usually not so difficult. However, physics paper 2 is what i worried most because it is a time management paper. The time for that paper is so tight that you might not finish the paper. Crap. Hate that paper. I handle the chem paper 3 time management pretty much better than the prelims so i know that i did not screw up for that one. Oh ya! I got to eat black pepper crabs today..damn nice my relatives bought them and erm my relatives come to my house almost every week lol my family quite close with relatives my cousins stayed in my house sometimes and they are my main childhood friends. It sounds weird when i talk to myself but i do enjoyed talking to myself like now by typing into the blog. It makes me more confident in stuff. I remebered i was the one usually saying the pledge and school recital in my secondary school so that really help my confidence a lot in future life, now it seem talking to the class unprepared seem relatively simple and easy. However talking to the school is something difficult and new, oh ya secondary school went to many many debates competition myself to watch my friends, since my good friends are debators and i got influenced by them lol. Anyway quite sad when i lost my first match when debating by one point...Argh! Crap! My second speaker blame my third speaker rebutter lol say he talking rubbish...haha...Today also did some catching up with my 1st three month friend and see hows his doing. He has a Taekwondo family background and when he actually spared, scary! So different from his usual cheerful self. We chatted about life in our schools. I still missed those days. Indeed first three months are days which you will never forget in your life..Since the Junior College life is ending, I would to ask if you have this chance to choose your choice for your tertiary education, will you still take the same path even though you will experience the same thing, knowing all that has already happened to you and you cannot change it, Will you? Or you would try another style of life to experience more than a same boring life? I know that words are of powerful things that can actually change you and affect you. By using simple words, i can change what you do what you say and what you will become, it is very powerful huh. Actually i am not really into blogging and i think i will stop when i go into ns bah..and leave this thing alone for a while.